And if I can't feel it, then all I feel is nothing, and the bitter tastes of regret, jealousy, and self-hatred. I can tell myself I'm liked and valued all day, but I don't feel it. It's not even really about sex, it's about something I lost and can't get back. like this scares me far more than the thought of suicide. Lots of pain, lots of anxiety, very little pleasure, zero satisfaction. The needles cause (or are the expression of) almost unbearable psychic pain, of such a specific and personal nature that I can never really explain them (and if I could, would it make a difference?). It's like someone is sticking very fine needles in my brain, a feeling which itself is intensified when I'm talking to women and makes it harder to project confidence or even maintain a grip on what's going on around me. The pain of being alone keeps getting sharper, I really can't fully explain it. Every day I hear them through the walls, every week a friend tells me a new story. At the same time, everyone around me - everyone - is constantly having fun. What's galling about this is that there's not a single logical reason that should be so (in that I'm not ugly, I have friends, a job, a nice apartment in a major city blah blah blah). I woke up alone for the third year straight today. Despite being relatively successful (in that I finished my degrees and got a job, which I guess is better than I expected to do) I feel like I'm being driven closer to suicide every day, and that one day I'll do it, suddenly and without real volition, out of sheer accumulated despair. I can trace its origins fairly well to a combination of bad luck, bad parenting, and poorly-timed deaths, but never mind that. My depression has been a malingering, lifelong thing that grows subtler and more deadly by the year (28M). If you need to talk to someone at once, you may want to take a look at the hotlines list from /r/SuicideWatch We can't guarantee an immediate response, and there are times when this subreddit is relatively quiet. Please message us and we'll look into it. If your post or comment is not appearing, it may have been removed for a rule violation or it may be stuck in the filter. Please click "report" to let us know of any inappropriate content you see here - we'd like to know and handle it as soon as we can. Most people are surprised by at least some of our policies so please read all of them carefully before jumping in. It might seem that we have a lot of rules, but we've found they're all necessary to maintain as much emotional and physical safety as possible. If you've lost someone to suicide, /r/SuicideBereavement is the best community to get support. If you want to talk about thoughts or risk of suicide, please post at /r/SuicideWatch. Posts here need to be support requests specifically related to depression, and comments need to be supportive of the OP. ![]() Depression is both important and difficult to talk about so focus is essential. We offer a peer-support space for anyone dealing with a depressive disorder in themselves or someone close to them.
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